cshoremom
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“What can you do to promote world peace? Go home and love your family.” ― Mother Teresa
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Post by cshoremom on May 6, 2017 16:29:01 GMT -5
Every year I get in a tizzy and just spend part of Mothers Day angry . My dh starts asking me that week what do you want for Mothers day? I want to say " I want YOU to figure that out." But I don't...  I say I really don't want anything. He will buy me a nice card and flowers and lots if little gifts. The kids too.... what I really want is a day that I dot have to plan... just all of us spending the day together that doesn't involve cleaning, cooking and preparation. Especially now that I am working a lot more, I spend my off time cleaning and catching up... and cooking. Ugh. I hate cooking. Anyway, I have my mom and his mom over and I love doing it for them.... I really do ... they are the most deserving moms. (Ifeel selfish even thinking this but every year...every holiday, I do it all and never enjoy any part of it ) .... I have really grown to resent the holidays... all of them... Halloween is fine...  I am so tired... depressed really. I have been on antidepressants since my sister and dad died. But I am running faster and faster on its hamster wheel, doing what everyone expects without getting help unless I have a hissy fit when I just can't deal anymore ...and they pitch in reluctantly. ...and back to the usual. Ds1 is not a problem at all. He helps without an attitude, knows his chores. And does them. . Lawn work is his part. Dh is the problem. He delegates everything to them. Even if I ask dh to help with something, he will push it on the kids. Today he got up after 11, watched tv, laid in bed and has been sleeping all day on and off . Infuriating as I am exhausted but have things to do.Trying really hard to not be angry and we will talk later... but really, I am working my tail off all day, ask for help, he pushes it onto the kids.....aaaggh. Thanks for letting me vent. .. I dread mothers day... I dread the feeling of resentment that it will bring. I need to act now to prevent it. What do you do on your home.. who helps, who plans, does your dh take care of some of the planning and gift buying? |
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Post by kidsandpets on May 6, 2017 17:16:30 GMT -5
Hugs!
I've been through some times like that. I'm pretty sure the only thing that really made a difference was God doing a work in me (and God working in my DH while I wasn't even aware). I won't go into to because my story and God's story in me. He has His own for you and your DH.
In terms of mothers day, we don't really do anything - that takes cares of all the stress! But I come from a family who didn't make a big thing out of it either - my mom always said she didn't need a special day so long as she knew we loved her the rest of the time. My MIL kind of got used to us living 3 hours away during our first several years of marriage - nothing big was reinstated when we moved here to the same town they live in. In my own family (DH and our kids) we don't do anything big either - everyone says happy mother's day and may or may not have a gift or card. For me, I can see myself getting stressed out if we tried to make a big deal of it.
I don't know if backing out of some mother's day traditions is doable for you without hurting feelings. But if you can, even just starting the process off slow this year ("we're going to di ____ differently this year"), it might be worth a try. Other holidays too if necessary. If no one else wants to (or no one else can) take on helping out, maybe its time to starting making new and easier traditions.
Praying for you in this time in general and over mothers day specifically.
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cshoremom
Mod Squad
“What can you do to promote world peace? Go home and love your family.” ― Mother Teresa
Posts: 4,170
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Post by cshoremom on May 6, 2017 17:59:37 GMT -5
Thank you! I realize that I am sounding like such a whiner.... I am sitting at the Town Docks contemplating what my problem is. I need to tell people what I need. I need to be honest about whst I can and cannot do. If I don't, then I can't expect them to know. Deep breath after a painful cry... off to the store and home.
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Post by LisainMN on May 6, 2017 18:06:35 GMT -5
It sounds like things need to change. You CAN'T do everything and shouldn't try. The world will continue to spin. It stinks that DH doesn't cooperate and pull his weight around the house. Maybe some of those things just need to not happen if he doesn't do them.
I send cards to Mom & Mil. Mother's Day is for ME; I'M the main mother in this house. I'm not a big gift person or big celebrator. I'm happy with an easy meal out with the family; typically for us it is Culver's. I don't want my kids spending money on things for me; I don't need things.
Speaking your truth is a gift to everyone but mostly yourself. If I don't tell DH what I want (and there were many years when the kids were young that I didn't) then I'm pretty much guaranteed not getting what I want. He will do more and spend more money and it doesn't make me happier.
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cshoremom
Mod Squad
“What can you do to promote world peace? Go home and love your family.” ― Mother Teresa
Posts: 4,170
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Post by cshoremom on May 6, 2017 18:13:24 GMT -5
Thank you Lisa... yes... same here... I have everything I need... more stuff is not Mothers day for me... time together and time to enjoy the day is what I need. Thanks for for your wise words Lisa and Shannon .
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lucy
Oldies but Goodies
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Post by lucy on May 8, 2017 13:10:13 GMT -5
Come up with a top 100 list......50 for mother's day, and the additional 50 for your birthday or Xmas gift.
the nice thing - no shopping or spending $ for dh and the kids.
Explain you want acts of love as your gift.
Then come up with the list.......whatever it is. At my house it could be, replace light bulbs, spread grass seed, fix car tire, clear off the counters, you make the meal (grocery shop, list, make, serve, eat, clean up)..
and come up with the list,,,,,include a diamond ring somewhere.....just so they don't think they never have to buy you anything
sorry about the passing of your sis and dad - that has to be rough - and take years just to not think about it every day
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kelly12
Oldies but Goodies
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Post by kelly12 on May 8, 2017 18:42:41 GMT -5
((((HUGS)))) Can you all eat out at a nice restaurant for your Mothers Day gift?
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cshoremom
Mod Squad
“What can you do to promote world peace? Go home and love your family.” ― Mother Teresa
Posts: 4,170
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Post by cshoremom on May 8, 2017 19:12:00 GMT -5
((((HUGS)))) Can you all eat out at a nice restaurant for your Mothers Day gift? That is what I plan to suggest! I even wrote down the number for DH to call and make reservations… Or I will … no big deal.. It will be special , yet not so much work that I won't get to enjoy….. Not that I wouldn't enjoy being with my Mom and Mil even if I am preparing and cooking…. I know how lucky I am to have both of them , but you know what I mean... I was in a very awful mood on Saturday. I apologize for sounding so bratty and ungrateful…. I did realize something about myself. I don't make it clear what I'd like to do.. I think I expect DH to just know… ( after almost 30 years of marriage, he usually "gets" it… but it is not fair of me to get resentful if he's not on the same "page", so I will tell him that is what I would like to do,…. no gifts… I don't need anything… I know the kids are planning something, and that's perfect. I love to receive gifts from them… they are older now, and it's kind of nice to see their thought process!!! Thanks for the support and wise words!!! Just what I needed! |
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Post by kidsandpets on May 8, 2017 19:49:35 GMT -5
((((HUGS)))) Can you all eat out at a nice restaurant for your Mothers Day gift?
It will be special , yet not so much work that I won't get to enjoy….. Not that I wouldn't enjoy being with my Mom and Mil even if I am preparing and cooking…. I know how lucky I am to have both of them , but you know what I mean... I was in a very awful mood on Saturday. I apologize for sounding so bratty and ungrateful…. I did realize something about myself. I don't make it clear what I'd like to do.. I think I expect DH to just know… ( after almost 30 years of marriage, he usually "gets" it… but it is not fair of me to get resentful if he's not on the same "page", so I will tell him that is what I would like to do,…. no gifts… I don't need anything… I know the kids are planning something, and that's perfect. I love to receive gifts from them… they are older now, and it's kind of nice to see their thought process!!! Thanks for the support and wise words!!! Just what I needed! Great plan!! |
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Post by carrieinwi on May 8, 2017 21:06:25 GMT -5
We have a show (we do musical theater) and my mom will be in another state.
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Post by LisainMN on May 8, 2017 21:17:04 GMT -5
Cshore. That's so cute. I've been married 32.5 years. I've finally given up hoping DH will "get it". He just doesn't remember details (like I've never eaten popcorn in the entire time we've been together; he still offers me some at theatres). I've chosen to find it hysterically funny and make the plans myself.
2 of our kids are graduating from college this week so we're having a family dinner to celebrate that on Mother's Day. I DID make reservations so I don't have to worry about it.
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lucy
Oldies but Goodies
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Post by lucy on May 8, 2017 22:28:50 GMT -5
ha ha.....same here. 32 yrs of marriage. The things dh just doesn't know or remember...... I also make plans myself.
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cshoremom
Mod Squad
“What can you do to promote world peace? Go home and love your family.” ― Mother Teresa
Posts: 4,170
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Post by cshoremom on May 9, 2017 6:25:44 GMT -5
Cshore. That's so cute. I've been married 32.5 years. I've finally given up hoping DH will "get it". He just doesn't remember details (like I've never eaten popcorn in the entire time we've been together; he still offers me some at theatres). I've chosen to find it hysterically funny and make the plans myself. 2 of our kids are graduating from college this week so we're having a family dinner to celebrate that on Mother's Day. I DID make reservations so I don't have to worry about it. Congratulations on 2 kids graduating. That is a huge accomplishment! !!! |
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kelly12
Oldies but Goodies
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Post by kelly12 on May 11, 2017 13:14:55 GMT -5
Great plan. I hope your Mother's Day is the best ever.
Men just don't realize how hard it is to do everything we do and with you working,I don't know how you do it all.
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Post by bronte73 on May 12, 2017 20:06:47 GMT -5
I'm sorry Cshore. I think it's a great idea to ask to go somewhere to eat so you can celebrate with your mom/mil but not have so much work to do. I totally get the feelings of overwhelm too. Lately, I've been feeling taken advantage of and unappreciated. I had to really stop and remember that it isn't purposeful, and I need to speak up - not just get resentful and keep doing everything. Mother's day has never really been about me. Yes, dh gets me a gift, but honestly, it always revolves around my mom and mil and trying to get to everyone else's on time. I don't necessarily cook for every holiday (in fact, I don't think I cook for any but not for want of asking!), but I don't really like holidays either. Someone is always upset because they didn't get the prime time slot or we didn't spend enough time or whatever. I always find it super stressful as I hate conflict. But anyhoo - I'm glad you've come up with a plan and I'll be praying you can enjoy your Mother's Day this year! |
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I say I really don't want anything. He will buy me a nice card and flowers and lots if little gifts. The kids too.... what I really want is a day that I dot have to plan... just all of us spending the day together that doesn't involve cleaning, cooking and preparation. Especially now that I am working a lot more, I spend my off time cleaning and catching up... and cooking. Ugh. I hate cooking. Anyway,
