Have you Lost your Mother?

citylights
Oldies but Goodies

Posts: 748

Have you Lost your Mother? Dec 15, 2014 21:36:45 GMT -5

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Post by citylights on Dec 15, 2014 21:36:45 GMT -5

I know that StillJulie has.
And maybe Kinsa. ??
Anyone else?

We lost dh's dad to cancer 5 years ago ... and while it was very difficult saying goodbye to him .....
losing my mom has been wayyyyy worse. Even dh says that losing my mom is harder on him than it was for him in losing his dad (& he was very close to his dad).

I think there must be something to the bond of mother/child. God put that there.

Tonight is 3 weeks since mom breathed her last breaths.
Today now, for the first time, I was able to go & workout (mom & I worked out together A LOT).
I didn't sleep well last night at all .... so going was hard & then doing a very hard workout .... man, I've been tired all day long.

On a happy note, my sister came to town again today & we visited.
She & I both are missing mom something fierce & just having a hard time with our sorrow.
What hurts the most is that mom so wanted to live,
and this horrible cancer came on with such a vengeance .... taking her life in a short amount of time.
She never was really the same after her surgery .... and she suffered in post surgery.

God, we miss her .... just knowing that we can't pick up the phone to call her.
Knowing how she suffered breaks our hearts.
Watching her sick showed me the sensitive & humble side of my mom & how if anybody did not deserve this illness, it was her.

The first week that she was gone I cried all the time .... couldn't talk on the phone.
I can now talk without crying & I am working to get back into my routine ... but the sadness is so immense.
I don't know what to expect in terms of how long this lasts.
I was thrilled that I was able to go to Church on Sunday.
The last two Sunday's I was just feeling too exhausted to put in the effort.

How long is this sadness debilitating?
A friend told me that some days, just out of the blue, I will have a melt down.
Yep ... that happens already.

My other sister & I are going to Hobby Lobby tomorrow to look at things to buy to decorate mom's gravesite.
We've talked of a wreath, or a Christmas tree ... but I think I'm going to take one of our shepherd's hooks & look for a large Christmas ornament to hang. Sure hope nobody steals it!!
Her beautiful funeral flowers were removed today by the cemetery.
If you're my FB friend maybe you saw the flowers on her grave. It was so beautiful.

If you've lost your mom, what gives you comfort?
Has your mom given you signs (from Heaven) that she is ok .... or present?
I keep watching. Haven't really "seen" anything yet,
although in Church on Sunday I did feel some peace.

Kinsa
Oldies but Goodies

Posts: 787

Have you Lost your Mother? Dec 15, 2014 23:22:42 GMT -5 via mobile

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Post by Kinsa on Dec 15, 2014 23:22:42 GMT -5

First of all, big hug. And I don't hand out hugs too freely.

Second of all, you are still very raw. It will take a while, and that's okay! You can't rush the stages of grief. Take your time. I know we all want to jump ahead to the final stage of acceptance, but you can't be emotionally healthy by rushing to the end of the process. As much as it hurts, you HAVE TO go slowly through each stage. Let yourself be. It's okay.

I didn't lose my mother. But I did lose my FIL and my MIL both within a year's time. Both were very sudden and unexpected, especially since they were both fairly young (69 and 70). I adored my FIL, but I was quite close with my MIL. She had lived with us long-term on two occasions, so we had a close relationship and bonded quite well together. Losing her was quite hard. It was three years ago.

I still feel like I have things to tell her. Like there's always this unfinished business between us. I remember I watched a show a few days before her passing in which one of our favorite actresses had a role. I made a mental note to tell her about that show the next time I talked to her, but "next time" never came. You would think that three years later I would have let go of that, but I haven't. It still feels like unfinished business, like a loose end that never got tied up.

One of the hardest thing to accept is that life has trudged on. She knew nothing of our son's medical diagnosis, my miscarriage, my husband's retirement, our big trip in the RV, my sons' graduation, where they are going to college... It seems so wrong to have life move ahead with the absence of someone who used to be such a huge part of it.

Sometimes dh and I still get the urge to call her with good news. Nearly every day something reminds me of her. I know it sounds cliche, but in many ways it seems like she's still with us because she's so present on our minds, kwim?

Oh boy. I'm sorry. I made this very much about me.

All this to say, it will take time, but it is a bittersweet process. In some ways, you don't want the hurt to go away too fast. Remembrance is a beautiful thing.

Karen
Wife for 21 years
Mom of six boys
Ages 20, 20, 18, 16, 13, & 10

btid
Oldies but Goodies

Posts: 139

Have you Lost your Mother? Dec 16, 2014 8:51:34 GMT -5

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Post by btid on Dec 16, 2014 8:51:34 GMT -5

I lost my mom when I was 16 years old. Unlike you, I did not have a relationship with her. She was super super busy running like crazy. She literally had us kids run every where we went from the car to church, school, grocery store, we never walked we ran. Anyway I do grieve never having a relationship and I feel like an orphan.
I suppose I have had dreams in the past, I don't remember. My MIL has felt her husband that died, before and she does feel that he is there at times or has visions of him.
We are here for you. Talk to us about your mom all you want! Was your mom on Hospice? My MIL has found great comfort in their grief program. At first MIL told them she was fine when they called to check on her then she realized she was not fine and agreed to allow them to help her and be involved in some of their programs. It has been a great source of relief for her.

BC Oldies but Goodies "For all Your goodness I will keep on singing, ten thousand reasons for my heart to find." Posts: 1,169	Have you Lost your Mother? Dec 16, 2014 11:39:11 GMT -5 Quote Select Post Deselect Post Link to Post Member Give Gift Back to Top Post by BC on Dec 16, 2014 11:39:11 GMT -5 (((( HUG ))))

lucy
Oldies but Goodies

Posts: 1,353

Have you Lost your Mother? Dec 17, 2014 20:42:04 GMT -5

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Post by lucy on Dec 17, 2014 20:42:04 GMT -5

I have always felt a bit off in this regards....my mom lives a few miles away. She hasn't spoken to me in years, and usually hangs up or yells at me. We were never close, and i accredit some of it do dementia....but really, she is mad because she doesn't get her own way.

I look around at my friends, who live with their mothers, or live near their mothers, or talk to their mothers daily. I have never had that, and where i don't dwell on it much, there is a tinge of sadness at the missing relationship

citylights
Oldies but Goodies

Posts: 748

Have you Lost your Mother? Dec 17, 2014 21:59:25 GMT -5

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Post by citylights on Dec 17, 2014 21:59:25 GMT -5

Hey Lucy .... I am sorry if I caused you to have some feelings of hurt.

Believe me, I understand.

My mom was very imperfect, as I am; as we all are.
I've certainly had my share of hurt & trouble with her ... but times also, when she was not deserving of my behavior, too. And it happened a lot. Some of it was me just being mean. Other times it was me responding to her.

I think it's only in the last couple of years that I really ever heard my mom say that she was "sorry" for something. Or maybe say "thank you." While my mom had a very pleasant demeanor about her, she also was very comfortable around us & often could come off with a callousness.

But anyway ... yet, the last several weeks with her, when she was sick .... all that (previous) trouble melted away.
Thankfully.
Gosh how I began to see her with more compassion & empathy.
I took a more heartfelt look at her life, and things she had lived with ... how she was raised.
It broke my heart.
At that point, I didn't even know that she was dying.
But our relationship was definitely changing.
Mom was sick, and she needed (our) help.
My sister & I were her main caregivers, although she was in a rehab center too.

Really, the last 5 yrs., since I was dx with cancer .... I was more intentional about working on our relationship, and she was too. I am very grateful for this. And I really feel very badly for not being mature enough and strong enough, and sometimes just downright selfish, for not being a better daughter in terms of our relationship.

That said ....

you wrote: "there is a tinge of sadness at the missing relationship."

Yes, I get that. I really do. My mom favored our younger sister and finally, she was able to admit that she did that. Not in the last weeks, but in the last few yrs. I'm sure she didn't really "mean to," it's just that she did. It hurt my other siblings & I. It hurt the favored sibling. All this to say that man, here on earth, we are just not going to get it right.

My sister tells me that she feels (pretty much) at great peace because she knows in Heaven that mom is not there who she was here. I felt that too (the other day). I wish I could feel it every day. I still feel immensely sad, and I grieve for my mother's suffering.

I'm sorry .... I don't mean to make this about me .... but rather, what I wanted to say is that there is hope, and Lucy, even in the little strides, the little things that you can do on your end to favor the relationship ...... DO IT .... because it will help YOU to feel more at peace (I hope) when she does, one day, pass.

I'm sorry for how your mom has treated you. I know, you have talked about it here.
I will say a prayer tonight for you & for your mom.

Post by citylights on Dec 15, 2014 21:36:45 GMT -5

Post by Kinsa on Dec 15, 2014 23:22:42 GMT -5

Post by btid on Dec 16, 2014 8:51:34 GMT -5

Post by BC on Dec 16, 2014 11:39:11 GMT -5

Post by lucy on Dec 17, 2014 20:42:04 GMT -5

Post by citylights on Dec 17, 2014 21:59:25 GMT -5